•Friday, September 15, 2006
I travelled out to the countryside to see my folks. My folks call themselves “senior citizens”, that’s their cocky euphemism for “retired”. My mom called me last month and said she wanted to ‘have a talk with me – my mom always wants to have a talk with me about one thing or the other. They moved out of the city which they say is “polluted with negative energy”. They prefer the pristine village scene pf mooing cows and rumbling green hills. My pops, a former engineer, spends most of his day poking his nose around the engine of his vintage Peugeot 505, the only thing he loves more than my mom. Almost.
In spite of your skewed opinion of me, I should shock you and tell you that I come from a very solid God-fearing family. My upbringing was not any different from any of you who snootily turn their noses at my lifestyle and ideals. I got spanked for using “dirty language”, I was scolded for eating at the neighbour’s, I had my “Sunday best” which I religiously donned to church every Sunday and like your mom, mine always admonished talking with food in the mouth. I took my first sip of beer at 18 for chrissake!
That night I got to shags, my mom sat me down after dinner (after my pops had retired to bed, because he can never sit through my mom’s kangaroo courts without nodding off) and gravely announced that to me that she was “worried” about me. She was worried that I was not bringing a sexy number home to her and ‘announce’ my intentions. She needled me with questions like ‘what’s taking you so long to get a girlfriend?’, ‘don’t you want a family one day?’, ‘where is your life headed, son?’, ‘aren’t you scared of ending up lonely?’ the charade! But I listened respectfully without interrupting her the way I was brought up. After her tutorial on marriage, (the umpteenth one this year!) I smiled and told her that I will bring her a sweet daughter-in-law soon. ‘good things come to only those who wait, mom’, I said, rubbing her cheerfully on the arm. She gave me a weary smile. She worries too much about me, but I love her to bits.
My parents have had a solid marriage for over thirty years, full of trials and tribulations no doubt. In my books they have had a fruitful life. I have four siblings; my big sister has been married for over ten years with two gorgeous kids to show for it, my younger brother has been married for a year now with a pregnant lovely wife to show for it. My kid sister has a man who I think should marry her if he has any sense at all (he’d be a fool not to). I am the black sheep in the family who feels nothing for marriage even after being orbited by these outstanding marriage records in the family.
I will come out and make a bold confession; marriage scares the living daylights out of me. I am not cut for marriage, much less a relationship. I have come to accept that I am built differently. I am weird. The major irony is that I really love women; I truly do, with my whole heart! I cherish them, I like to hear them laugh, I love the feel of their touch, and the taste of their lips. I love how they smell (ok, some of them). But my major problem is that I have a very low threshold for concentration when it comes to women. I get bored too damn fast!
I have always wondered how anyone in their right mind would date one woman for over six months! I would get bored out of my wits! Now, to even imagine that I would stick with one woman forever is just plain spooky. My greatest fear (apart from poverty) is getting married and waking up one morning and looking at my wife and asking myself how on earth I got there.
I know, marriage changed people, but it would break my heart if I was unable to take my wife out to dinner because she added weight in the wrong places. I would not reconcile with myself if I took some slim 22-year-old belle for a cocktail function because I was too embarrassed to carry along my fattish 32-year0old wife; the mother of my children who I adore, the wife who has faithfully stuck by me through the arduous trials of life. Isn’t that enough to breakdown a man with guilt? Ye all married men; I seek your wise counsel.
Marriage has adopted a spooky casualness. It no longer has that sacred embodiment it once possessed with our parents. Now, it’s a bit like a restaurant; you walk in and if you don’t fancy the service or the colour of their cutlery you up and walk out to look for another one! I see many of my peers jumping in marriage with not a compass or a map to navigate its treacherous paths. I don’t want to be that guy who ruefully calls the divorce lawyer after three years because his marriage has hit the fan! Where are all the marriageable ladies anyway? Which pub do they go to? Which church choir do they sing? Where do they shop? Which hood do they live in? what size are they? Where do they fuel their cars? Do they eat pasta? Do they wear things or mother’s union? Where are the marriageable ladies folks, because maybe I’m meeting the wrong crop of ladies because I still insist on passing by njuguna’s for a pint?
The ladies we hang out with are smarter, richer and wittier. They hold good jobs. What we can do, they can match or even do better. It’s nice to hang out with them, catch a pint and brainstorm about politics or stem cell technology. But you would be stark raving crazy to have them as a wife, because they are a bunch of second-guessing talk-back machines! Who the hell wants that?
Let’s get one thing straight, I am a very confident man. There is nothing negative you could say about me that would put me down (er, unless of course you say that I suck in bed). I love my life the way it is, I can confidently say that my self-esteem is in mint condition. So really don’t start jumping to hasty pseudo-psycho analytical conclusions that I feel threatened in any way by this crop of high flying Alpha women. But the basics hold, law degree or not; I believe a lady should cook my food while I mow the lawn and fix the plumbing problem. That is how it worked for our parents. That is how it should work. That way everyone is happy. Unfortunately it doesn’t work this way because this happens to be the year 2006 where wives draw a timetable for who’s cooking because Wednesday happens to be her day for manicure and cooking will ruin it. This happens to be the year 2006 where pre-Cambrian men like me should wake up from the degenerate conservative slumber and smell the bloody coffee.
Having gotten that sexist mash mash off the way, my mantra still stays; a wife should be a demure lady. Period. Otherwise, if she wants to be a man about everything then why not just marry a man instead? I have come to accept that the model wife in my mind is a façade. She doesn’t exist. I will gladly settle for singlehood, thank you. Marriage has become a domestic circus without an entrance charge and I hate free things. My father’s generation had it well; they got all the best girls. I guess pops knows that, and that’s why he never sits to listen to my mom give an earful on why I need to find a good girl and settle down. He knows I’m screwed. Men his age who are still running round keeping 23-year old ‘mistresses’ in little bed sitters in south B know perfectly well what I’m talking about. They look at the little devils they keep as mistresses and know without a doubt that their sons are doomed.
Copy pasted from 'The Leader' weekly newspaper (The Bachelor column) published by royal media services
In spite of your skewed opinion of me, I should shock you and tell you that I come from a very solid God-fearing family. My upbringing was not any different from any of you who snootily turn their noses at my lifestyle and ideals. I got spanked for using “dirty language”, I was scolded for eating at the neighbour’s, I had my “Sunday best” which I religiously donned to church every Sunday and like your mom, mine always admonished talking with food in the mouth. I took my first sip of beer at 18 for chrissake!
That night I got to shags, my mom sat me down after dinner (after my pops had retired to bed, because he can never sit through my mom’s kangaroo courts without nodding off) and gravely announced that to me that she was “worried” about me. She was worried that I was not bringing a sexy number home to her and ‘announce’ my intentions. She needled me with questions like ‘what’s taking you so long to get a girlfriend?’, ‘don’t you want a family one day?’, ‘where is your life headed, son?’, ‘aren’t you scared of ending up lonely?’ the charade! But I listened respectfully without interrupting her the way I was brought up. After her tutorial on marriage, (the umpteenth one this year!) I smiled and told her that I will bring her a sweet daughter-in-law soon. ‘good things come to only those who wait, mom’, I said, rubbing her cheerfully on the arm. She gave me a weary smile. She worries too much about me, but I love her to bits.
My parents have had a solid marriage for over thirty years, full of trials and tribulations no doubt. In my books they have had a fruitful life. I have four siblings; my big sister has been married for over ten years with two gorgeous kids to show for it, my younger brother has been married for a year now with a pregnant lovely wife to show for it. My kid sister has a man who I think should marry her if he has any sense at all (he’d be a fool not to). I am the black sheep in the family who feels nothing for marriage even after being orbited by these outstanding marriage records in the family.
I will come out and make a bold confession; marriage scares the living daylights out of me. I am not cut for marriage, much less a relationship. I have come to accept that I am built differently. I am weird. The major irony is that I really love women; I truly do, with my whole heart! I cherish them, I like to hear them laugh, I love the feel of their touch, and the taste of their lips. I love how they smell (ok, some of them). But my major problem is that I have a very low threshold for concentration when it comes to women. I get bored too damn fast!
I have always wondered how anyone in their right mind would date one woman for over six months! I would get bored out of my wits! Now, to even imagine that I would stick with one woman forever is just plain spooky. My greatest fear (apart from poverty) is getting married and waking up one morning and looking at my wife and asking myself how on earth I got there.
I know, marriage changed people, but it would break my heart if I was unable to take my wife out to dinner because she added weight in the wrong places. I would not reconcile with myself if I took some slim 22-year-old belle for a cocktail function because I was too embarrassed to carry along my fattish 32-year0old wife; the mother of my children who I adore, the wife who has faithfully stuck by me through the arduous trials of life. Isn’t that enough to breakdown a man with guilt? Ye all married men; I seek your wise counsel.
Marriage has adopted a spooky casualness. It no longer has that sacred embodiment it once possessed with our parents. Now, it’s a bit like a restaurant; you walk in and if you don’t fancy the service or the colour of their cutlery you up and walk out to look for another one! I see many of my peers jumping in marriage with not a compass or a map to navigate its treacherous paths. I don’t want to be that guy who ruefully calls the divorce lawyer after three years because his marriage has hit the fan! Where are all the marriageable ladies anyway? Which pub do they go to? Which church choir do they sing? Where do they shop? Which hood do they live in? what size are they? Where do they fuel their cars? Do they eat pasta? Do they wear things or mother’s union? Where are the marriageable ladies folks, because maybe I’m meeting the wrong crop of ladies because I still insist on passing by njuguna’s for a pint?
The ladies we hang out with are smarter, richer and wittier. They hold good jobs. What we can do, they can match or even do better. It’s nice to hang out with them, catch a pint and brainstorm about politics or stem cell technology. But you would be stark raving crazy to have them as a wife, because they are a bunch of second-guessing talk-back machines! Who the hell wants that?
Let’s get one thing straight, I am a very confident man. There is nothing negative you could say about me that would put me down (er, unless of course you say that I suck in bed). I love my life the way it is, I can confidently say that my self-esteem is in mint condition. So really don’t start jumping to hasty pseudo-psycho analytical conclusions that I feel threatened in any way by this crop of high flying Alpha women. But the basics hold, law degree or not; I believe a lady should cook my food while I mow the lawn and fix the plumbing problem. That is how it worked for our parents. That is how it should work. That way everyone is happy. Unfortunately it doesn’t work this way because this happens to be the year 2006 where wives draw a timetable for who’s cooking because Wednesday happens to be her day for manicure and cooking will ruin it. This happens to be the year 2006 where pre-Cambrian men like me should wake up from the degenerate conservative slumber and smell the bloody coffee.
Having gotten that sexist mash mash off the way, my mantra still stays; a wife should be a demure lady. Period. Otherwise, if she wants to be a man about everything then why not just marry a man instead? I have come to accept that the model wife in my mind is a façade. She doesn’t exist. I will gladly settle for singlehood, thank you. Marriage has become a domestic circus without an entrance charge and I hate free things. My father’s generation had it well; they got all the best girls. I guess pops knows that, and that’s why he never sits to listen to my mom give an earful on why I need to find a good girl and settle down. He knows I’m screwed. Men his age who are still running round keeping 23-year old ‘mistresses’ in little bed sitters in south B know perfectly well what I’m talking about. They look at the little devils they keep as mistresses and know without a doubt that their sons are doomed.
Copy pasted from 'The Leader' weekly newspaper (The Bachelor column) published by royal media services
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9 comments:
so much to say not enough time!
I think this was a well written article!So much so that I am going to link to it when I want to post on this issue!
My mum too asked me about the hook up issue and to make things worse I am in the states.If you met most of the Kenyan mamas in the states you would swear off marriage!
Your parents seem to have it made.People used to give more heart in marriages way back when if you ask me.
To be honest I too once actually took an honest look at many of the chics I knew in nai and few met my simple standard of marriagability.
But I do agree there are some nice women out there.As for the looks thing, it doesnt help that I love going to the gym and even though I am no Adonis I keep fat off me and try to stay as healthy as possible so I tend to be fickle in terms of weight.
I too tend to have a poor attention span in terms of chics so that is another reason why marriage is far from the cards for me too.I do agree that if people enter marriage it should be for the long haul.
I do agree that ladies nowadays have taken the one up manship game a bit too far.We are happy about what they can do but when it is used as an excuse to second guess men it is obvious that men will stay away in record numbers.
I do agree that if roles are defined marriages do tend to last longer but I guess we have a long road ahead in the relationship arena bcause we arent in the good old days any more!
I guess the male species has moved so far away from their biblical definition that they fail to see the blessing thats in store for them. The bible says that he finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. Many a time the male person thinks of a wife as unncessary baggage in his quest for greatness and fun. The male of today is getting older younger and staying younger longer. He has failed to step up to the plate and take his responsiblity to have a home and a family, its a biblical mandate. Ultimately, he will be held responsible for the seed he has deprived the world for in his seed, would have been one who discovers the cure for cancer or diabetes or invents the latest gadget that makes our lives simpler. He breaks the lineage and promises that a family holds because he refuses to look beyond the superficial and only sees the legs and face of a woman who never supposed to grow old or change.Amazingly, he is very ignorant of his own receding hairline and extended belly which can be an eyesore to the lady folk. Yes, we can sit and reminisce of times gone, but we cannot unwind the hands of the clock.Men and Women God created equal, but then He assigned different roles to them.This different roles do not make women doormats or men superior, but rather they enhance harmony as we joyfully do that which we were created to. In changing times, we also see that there is the need to share responsiblities hence the women who take cars to the mechanic and men who fix the evening meals.What is the greater good that we should work towards? Is it how many times I cleaned the house or that there is love in our home? Is it the number of times I have attended PTA meetings in school or that we have kids who are doing well in their studies? If both parties realized that they are working towards a common good, it ceases to become a race against each other that us more often than not driven by selfishness, but rather it becomes a race together where self is put down for the greater good of the other person.So for all those avowed Bachelors for life, you are missing favor that comes with a wife and setting yourself up for a very lonely future.
I think that it is sad that men turn to mistresses for whatever reason. However, I respect any guy who acknowledges that he has a short attention span when it comes to women as opposed to marrying one because it is expected and cheating on them later on.
@Acolyte...I agree with you about the weight issue..I am a health fanatic and work out regularly and I refuse to be involved with anyone who does not exercise regularly and has no regard for his health.
By the way is this weekly available online?
Good Read. If alpha women are what we got then I guess it's time for dudes to play alpha games. Just beacuse a female threatens to maul doesn't mean she will entirely eat you alive, but at the same time, I feel the writer's pain. We got it ugly!
{erhaps another way to look at it: with two people in any realtionship, ain't nothing a little compromise can't fix.
I hear you brother. Never let you near my sister
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001349.cfm
Why Men Delay Getting Married by Ted Slater
0 reasons men don't commit.
According to a National Marriage Project study that's a few years old now, men have a hard time committing because of the following reasons:
-They can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past
-They can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying
-They want to avoid divorce and its financial risks
-They want to wait until they are older to have children
-They fear that marriage will require too many changes and compromises
-They are waiting for the perfect soul mate and she hasn't yet appeared
-They face few social pressures to marry
-They are reluctant to marry a woman who already has children
-They want to own a house before they get a wife
-They want to enjoy single life as long as they can
The conclusion of the Rutgers study sums up the root of the problem:
Men can get many of the benefits of marriage without the commitment to marriage.... Cohabitation gives men regular access to the domestic and sexual ministrations of a girlfriend while allowing them greater legal, social and psychological freedom to lead a more independent life and to continue to look around for a better partner.
Too many singles are "enjoying the sexual and companionship perks of marriage without having to take on the responsibilities that go with them."
Is there a specific solution to men's non-commital attitudes? I think so. Women can stop giving their boyfriends the emotional and physical benefits that belong inside marriage. And single marriage-age men can take responsibility, take initiative, take a chance, and do the loving, godly thing.
This is a great article. I'm itching to comment, but seeing as this is one of those sultry afternoons I will go the pointer way. (Just no energy whatsoever to be comprehensive)
- Don't get married unless you're COMPLETELY sure that you're ready. Why the heck you wanna be unhappy with someone if you can be happy (or unhappy :-)) by yourself???
- There ARE good women, I know lots. But these women won't stand crap, and they demand a very high level of integrity and decency. So they get labeled 'fussy' and 'stuck up' etc...so you never get to know them..
- Lastly, if a woman thinks that you're 'worth it' (and I use that term very loosely), she will adapt in whichever way you want her to.
Now y'all go on and continue sprouting that 'my wife has to do x, y and z BS', d'you know whats gon' happen to you? You will meet this sweet thing who will be at your beck and call jus long enuff to have you round her li'l finger, then as soon as you put the ring on her finger....WHAM!!! The real b*$#@! comes out to play.
:-)
@acolyte, i think the pressures and pleasures of the modern world has radically changed the marriage environment. its a hard bargain both for the men and women. those who manage to meet halfway and sustain the fire are laughing all the way to old age. for the rest of us, we juggle and mumble.
@anon1, if you take this debate the biblical way, its the female species to be on the receiving end, but then, the whole economic equation will not hold. plus biblically the man is superior, period. its not more of the family tree and lineage propagation as it still happens with or without marriage. the issue is with the business of marriage and weddings!
@princess, rightly said but the story of mistresses is more of a demand and supply issue. is it demand driven or supply driven? if we get an answer to that, then we can crucify the culprit.
@makanga, the weekly is not available online unfortunately. maybe they are working on that, i am not sure.
@shiroh, i never wrote the article. lifted it from the leader paper. dont you worry, your sister is safe.
@casual_observer, thanks for the link. trully young men should get married. catch is, at the right time, right minds and right preparation. otherwise the mistresses' populace doubles. young women should get married too.
@anon2, good points. on your opinion, if sex becomes a price to be won on commitment and eventual marriage, thats flawed logic that will backfire on the institution of marriage. what happens after winning the prize? just like the marathon, men will go for more marathons and more challenging races.
@jadekitten, lol. will soon post an post on 'mad at kiss fm' over an issue that relates close to what you have raised. i doubt whether men will ever win the battle of the sexes. if a lady knows what you want she has two way around it. if she doesnt give a damn about you, she goes her way. if she does want you hitched, she will play your game long enough to lead you to commitment. then she goes back to her old self, the leash tightly in place.
my way in this whole issue of marriage is that, its a good thing to get married to the right partner, no need to rush. as a man, i feel the need to be adequately prepared for the responsibility that comes with marriage. nurturing a happy family is my dream and i am determined to realize it. i freak out at the thought of being caught up in an all-time-unhappy union. i do cherish monogamy practically.